Tag Archives: confusion

The Distracted Life

Do you lead a distracted life? You know, that’s when you bounce around like a ping pong ball in small room? You are hyper focused? Well, that’s awesome. If you are hyper focused let me take you on a quick tour of the distracted mind and you will see how lucky you are to be able to sit for hours on end working on a single project without interruption.

I was heading up for a shower. Stopping in the bedroom I dug into my dresser for the clothes I’d be wearing. My husband wandered in asking me to repair a hand brace for him. No worries, I could take care of that right after my shower. Heading into the bathroom I got the heater set up and realized I had left my leg warmers in the laundry room. I have raynauds in both legs so keeping them warm is essential to a pain free life.

The leg warmers were dry and hanging next to the dryer which was close enough to being done so I emptied the dryer, folded the clothes and loaded the next batch of wet things. I left the laundry and on my way past the perpetual calendar I remembered that there had been updates to my work schedule and with the busy holiday season looming in the next couple of weeks I better get that on the calendar. Oh, and my son’s school schedule needs to get on there too.

Next my digital calendar needed to be updated when I realized that there were some conflicts so I went back and changed the perpetual calendar.  Back at my computer my digital calendar was updated, but I noticed no one had replied to my request for coverage at work for this week. I have to have two lumps biopsied tomorrow (yes, this lingers on my mind from my last post on breast lumps). Sitting back down I shoot off several emails nudging people out in the greeting card world that I have three stores that need coverage, who can help?

Another few things have been checked off my list so I head upstairs to take my shower. Back in the bathroom I realize that my leg warmers are still down in the laundry room. Back downstairs, into the laundry room there they sit neatly folded on top of the dryer. Then back upstairs into the warmth of a shower. My progress, such as it is, winds through my mind when I get hit with, “What if it’s cancer?” and I proceed to have a good five minutes of crying while standing in a steamy stream of water.

Stepping out of the shower I find there is a little bit of dirt left in the bottom of the tub from when my daughter had a soak last night. Grabbing a paper towel I try to wipe it out, but it seems I’ll need water. Nope. Need something stronger. In my towel I climb into the over-sized tub and scrub the bottom of the tub then get clean water to rinse to scouring powder off. Back out of the tub and dried and dressed I realize that my venture to take a shower took nearly two hours.

It is exhausting to have a distracted mind and if I had a penny for every added hour of time spent bouncing from one side of the room to another I would have a very large sum of money. Quite possibly I could afford therapy for my crazy way of getting through the day. Now, where’s the needle and thread? I’ve gotta get this hand brace repaired.

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Filed under Arbitrary Thoughts

A Puzzle

It is funny how some people fit into life just perfectly from the day they are born until they are taken away in a fine pine box. They are like puzzle pieces that have the perfect shape, and colors that fit just where they are supposed to.  They are able to see themselves and their lives stretch out before them and with so many possibilities they find their place in the puzzle early on.

There was a man I once knew who attended college to learn an entirely new language then spent his life creating things from this language. It is fascinating to see how a series of odd numbers, letters, and symbols could be strung together and, once completed, could come to life and help a scientist solve a theory, or a student to write a term paper. He continued to expand his knowledge through books, seminars, and real time learning. He problem solved his way through his career and, in the end, found himself at the pinnacle. He was no longer the student of this language, but the master and teacher of it.

On the other hand, I never quite fit anywhere and found myself wandering through my life flitting from place to place and job to job. I did the obligatory fast food gigs and waitress jobs that are needed to be able to say on an application, “Hey, I really do have experience and I’m actually good at any task that is given to me. Please hire me.” Money was not an issue for me and found that the less money I earned the easier it was to find a job.

From one little job to another I learned many, many things, but never really mastered any one of them. I rebuilt car engines, repaired jet planes, and built mouse traps. I completed four years of college and spent twelve years in the photography industry (which, as it turned out, to be my longest stretch in any one career). I designed jewelry, sold skin care treatments, and made the best chocolate candies your mouth could ever experience. I wrote stories, painted landscapes, and sculpted minor monsters that never terrorized any hamlet or town.

I spent a lifetime doing all of these things and find myself here in this small town doing yet another minor task in a world that is filled with so many major possibilities. I long to turn the clock back so I might find that one thing that I could do for all my days. To fit just right in a jigsaw puzzle. There are those pieces that, with just an arm and a leg, hold two large parts of the puzzle together, or the one that fills part of the edge holding the rest in place. A jigsaw puzzle is what I am a part of and I know that in the end, I will be the final piece of the puzzle. The one piece that has been tested and tried in every place of the puzzle, never quite fitting anywhere, never quite the right shape or color. And, when that last piece is found, and it is held carefully at just the right position, and slid down with a final gentle tap, the puzzle will be complete. All of the pieces would have found their place and with that final piece I will finally find my place. Then, and only then, will I die.

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Filed under Aging, Arbitrary Thoughts, Dreaming

The Carnival

I couldn’t sleep.  I laid in bed for at least 2 hours with a constant stream of nothing rolling across my brain.  Then a childhood dream popped into my mind. It was the strangest dream I have ever had in my life.

My father was a spy. Not just any spy, but THE elite spy who ranked number one on most wanted list world wide. My kidnappers had been looking for him for the better part of five years and they planned to get to him through me, his daughter.  They hauled me into a cave filled with light, music, and people. There were two ferris wheels, a merry-go-round, and dizzying roller coasters that defied gravity. People were everywhere laughing and shouting with glee. The three black clad men towered above me as I was dragged screaming through the crowd.  We rushed by parents and their children holding cotton candy without being noticed. I thought we must be invisible. I cried and thrashed trying to get someone’s attention. Anyone’s. The carnival just went on.

At the far corner of the cave I was thrown onto a slab that mimicked a bed.  The largest of the three men loomed over me and spitting his words asked, “Where is he? Where is your father?” Shaking my head I told them that I didn’t know.  He had left three days ago and didn’t tell me where he was going. “You know where he is. Quit lying child. Tell us where he is!” His hot breath burned my face and he grabbed my neck and began choking me, “Tell us where he is or you will die.” My head began to throb as the blood and oxygen was robbed from it. My eyes felt as if they would burst from their sockets.

With a jerk I woke from my dream  with both my hands wrapped around my own neck choking.

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Filed under Arbitrary Thoughts, Dreaming

The Sea

It exists in my mind.
I am engulfed.
The sea of confusion
Pulls me down, pulls me apart.
I run, try to hide
Can’t run.
Fight
It is a sea,
Deep, dark, lost.

© 2013 K.J. Scrim

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Filed under Arbitrary Thoughts, poetry